The Diary of Mike Newton
by magicalmangoes
Summary: The diary of Mike Newton. From self-obessed Mike's view during the Twilight Saga. Slightly AU, ExB. One sided MxB
1. I get ANOTHER fangirl

**A/N My second fanfiction! Enjoy the failed attempts of Mike Newton courting Bella!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Mike Newton. Or any of the characters you recognize from Twilight. Nor do I own the lines from Twilight.**

Dear Diary,

Today this really hot girl came to Forks. Her name is Isabella Swan. Yes Chief Swan's daughter. She is totally falling for me. She told me to call her 'Bella'. She wanted to me to call her by a nickname. She _wants_ me!

Tyler and Eric think they have a chance with her. As if! A cute girl like Bella, is mine. I mean, I'm the hottest guy at Forks. No, in the state of Washington! Actually, I'm probably the hottest guy in the whole of America! There's no way Bella would fall for Crowley or Yorkie. She'll fall for the manliest and hottest guy of all – me.

I first saw Bella in English class. When she walked in I could totally see her in a white dress walking down the aisle to me. We'll be the hottest and cutest couple in the whole of Forks! She and I would make the cutest babies ever!

As I stood up after English class to introduce her to me and ask her out – which she would most definitely say yes to – Eric Yorkie got ahead of me. He asked Bella what her next class was and whether he could walk her there. Who does he think he is? He's just a gangly boy with acne and very oily hair! Whilst I'm the muscular Mike with the perfect features and awesome spiky hair!

At lunch Jessica bought Bella to our table. I knew this was the time for me to introduce myself. I was absolutely certain that she'll go to the movies with me – she smiled at me when Jessica said my name! It must be my irresistible charms!

I was just about to lean over and make her fall in love with me when she asked Jessica the question.

"Who are _they_?"

She just asked about the Cullens. The Cullens had moved down from Alaska at the start of freshman year. They all looked like they had cosmetic surgery. With a dad like Dr Cullen they could probably have the best plastic surgery. I was about the dominate high school when they came and ruined everything. The whole school spent the first day gaping at them, instead of whispering about my awesomeness.

And when I tried to team up with them to ultimately dominate Forks High they rejected me. If only either Rosalie Hale or Alice Cullen said yes to me asking them out. Then we would've been the perfect couple that everybody would've been jealous of. But that big Emmett Cullen – I swear he's on steroids – and Rosalie's twin, Jasper, got in the way. But I don't get it. Why would Rosalie and Alice choose their foster brothers over me? Is it even legal for them to go out?

Anyway, back to the subject. During lunch I was praying that Bella would be in my biology class. Even though I already had a partner, Mr Banner would most definitely see how she and I should be paired together.

Bella did have biology after lunch. When Angela and she walked through the door, I was ready to catch her when she fainted from seeing my awesomeness. But she just walked up to the teacher and gave him a slip. He pointed her to where Edward Cullen was sitting. Cullen was glaring at her so evilly I wanted to jump up from my seat and punch him out of the window, using my gigantic muscles.

But I couldn't so I just settled with staring at Bella throughout the whole lesson. The second that the bell rang I jumped out my seat and ran to her seat.

I asked her, "Aren't you Isabella Swan?"

She answered with a smile that conveyed the message that she wanted me, and said, "Bella."

I then introduced myself and offered to help her find her next class. And I found out that she had gym too. I knew she was destined for me. Three subjects together!

Anyway, to let her know more about me before she married me I told her about how I moved from California to boring old Forks when I was ten. When I came, the whole school bowed at me feet, begging to be friends with me.

To make Cullen seem very mean, I added as we walked into the gym, "So, did you stab Edward Cullen with a pencil or what? I've never seen him act like that."

Obviously she was a nice person that didn't want to hurt anybody's feelings. Because she replied, "Was that the boy I sat next to in Biology?"

I said yes and commented that he looked like he was in pain.

She replied, "I don't know. I never spoke to him."

Instead of heading towards the changing rooms, I said to Bella, flattering her, "He's a weird guy. If I were lucky to sit by you, I would have talked to you."

That line always picked up girls. And Bella was no exception. She gave me another one of her '_I-want-you_' smiles.

We played volleyball and I was ready to catch Bella, in a very heroic way, when she fell. She stumbled now and then, but never a big, dramatic fall, where I could dramatically save her.

At the end of P.E. I hurriedly got changed, so that I could walk Bella to her car. But when I got out of the change rooms Bella was nowhere to be seen. I slouched out into the car park and saw Bella get into a faded red truck.

I waved goodbye to her, but she didn't see. I waved goodbye to all the people that were one step below me on the social pyramid and got into my sexy Suburban.

As I drove home I thought of how to ask Bella out to the movies. I'm sure once she got to know me more she'll fall for me and my sexy, irresistible charm. And then the whole school would be so jealous of me. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


	2. Romeo & Juliet: Mike style

**A/N Here's the next chapter! Sorry it's so short. Hey, anyone like 'Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief'? They made a movie out of it! Can't wait to see it!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing that you recognize from Twilight.**

Dear Diary,

Today was awesome! Bella wanted me to sit next to her during English. When the teacher droned on and on about whatever book Bella was staring at me in a way that obviously meant she was lusting after me. And while she was drooling at the thought me of shirtless and my six-pack I was thinking about how she and I would be the perfect pair. Like Romeo and Juliet good - but in the 21st century. Aw, how cute?

Bella and Jessica walked in together after lunch. They probably had the period before lunch together. I really needed a copy of Bella's timetable. No, I'm not a stalker. I'm just an attentive (and attractive) future boyfriend.

Anyway, when she walked in, I jumped up from my seat and rushed to her side. I lead her and Jessica to my table. I didn't want Jessica to come, but I guess it would be un-gentlemanly for me to sit with Bella and not with Jessica.

Jessica looked at me in a way that Bella did – like she wanted to kiss me senseless. But I she wasn't Bella. She's just a very short girl with curvy hair. I don't like that kind of girl. I like girls with long legs, big chest, small waist and flirty attitude – just like Bella.

During lunch Bella looked really nervous. Maybe she wanted to ask me out but she was scared that I would say no. Why would I say no? We destined to be!

I was about to lean over and relieve her of her nervousness and say yes, but the bell rang. Why does things always intercept me when I'm about to make Bella love me?!? Sooo frustrating!

When Bella stood up to start heading to the Biology lab I came with her. I had to come with her because I knew she couldn't live a moment without thinking about me. We reached the Biology lab too soon. The look Bella gave me told me that she wanted to skip school and just talk to me about my supreme hotness.

But she just sighed and headed to her table. I walked her to her table and gave her a look that reassured her that I want to sit next to her. The return smile was another one of the other her 'I-want-you' smile. See, diary, she _totally_ wants me!

The rest of the school day was boring. The afternoon was fun though. I didn't have work at my parent's shop so I spent the rest of the day working out and dreaming. I started lifting weight (5kg on each side – heavy, eh?) and dreaming about how Bella is probably thinking and drooling about my big muscles right now.

Tomorrow I'm going to wear a tight fitting shirt, just to show off my six-pack. Bella's going to have a hard time keeping her saliva inside her mouth. So would all the girls in the school!

Maybe if I wear a tight shirt I could persuade Mrs Cope to give me a copy of Bella's timetable. Because I know Mrs Cope has a crush on me! All the girls that have met me have a crush on me! Since I am the awesomest, cutest, hottest and adorablest man EVER!!! Aren't you jealous?


	3. Hotter than Cullen

**A/N Hope you like this chapter! Sorry it's a bit short. But I always write short chapters. Anyway, I'm sorry.**

**Disclaimer: Last time I checked my name isn't Stephenie Meyer and I haven't written any books that got published and became giant hits. **

Dear Diary,

OMG! Bella nearly died yesterday!

The road was icy and dangerous. In fact, it was so dangerous that I was probably the only one in the whole of Forks to be able to drive on it without possibility of crashing – because I'm awesome Mike who is so great at driving and everything else!

I was waiting around in the parking lot waiting for Bella to turn up. Her truck finally entered the parking lot. She got out and started to examine her tires. Weird… But I guess not everybody could be as awesome as me.

Anyway, suddenly horrible screeching filled the car park. Tyler's van spun out of control (I had always told him to get a better car – one like my sexy Suburban) and was heading towards Bella!

I was going to whish Bella away from the danger, using my awesomeness. But guess who beat me to it?

Edward Cullen.

Why did Cullen even bother saving her? I thought he hated her!

But it doesn't matter. I am so much hotter than Cullen. Bella would choose me over pale, plastic Cullen. Because I am da Mike!

Guess what happened today?

I asked Bella to the dance! Not the prom, the Spring Dance. She didn't say yes, but she's probably only playing hard to get. She said she had to go to Seattle to get something. Whatever.

Who cares about stuff in Seattle when you get asked out by Mike Newton? But I guess there MUST be something very important in Seattle. Probably a dying grandma or something.

I told Eric and Tyler that the only reason she didn't agree to go to the dance with me was because she had to go to Seattle. But the two idiots didn't believe me. So we made a bet. If Bella refuses to go to the Spring Dance with both of them I win twenty bucks. But if she was only rejecting me I have to pay them both ten bucks.

But I won. Of course I won! Who would reject moi for the two idiots? No one.

And guess what? Tyler tried to tell us that he's taking Bella to prom. Yeah right. He probably forced it on her. Because she's coming with ME to prom!

After prom in senior year I'm going to propose to Bella. I can see it in my head.

I'll grab hold of a microphone and say into it, "Bella Swan, you're all that I need in this life. Would do the honour of marrying me?"

Then she'll squeal and say, "Yes!"

Everybody would start congratulating us and say how we'll be the best couple this tiny town has ever seen. We shall have the best wedding ever! All the girls would be so jealous!!! And everybody shall bow at my feet!!! I shall dominate the world!!!


	4. Manly, strong, tendony, bicepy arms

**A/N Sorry I haven't updated in nearly half a year. Sorry, sorry, sorry! If you've already lost interest in this, please give this another go. Please. Sorry once again!**

**Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine. They're Stephenie Meyers.**

Dear Diary,

I am a genius. Not only am I the hottest guy in the whole of America - I'm also the smartest.

I have it all planned out. I've organized an outing for my little group of followers to La Push. On the beach there, I shall charm Bella with my irresistibly cute charms. Then she'll fall to my feet and beg me to take her out to dinner. Yes, I know a fantastically awesome plan. I know I'm smart.

Anyway, enough about my smartness. You are all probably so jealous that you're going green. Then who would be my followers?

Today in Biology, we were testing our blood type. I totally went first to show Bella my manliness. And it didn't even hurt. Well, it did a little bit. Ok, maybe a lot. So much I wished my mummy was there...

But, being the manly, brave, courageous Mike Newton I am, I pretended it didn't hurt and then was going to show Bella how manly I was. Then she would fall in love with me and then forget about stupid Cullen.

Just when I was turning around to show Bella the blood _gushing_ out of my finger and how my eyes didn't even water at the slightest, Mr Banner told her to go to the nurse.

Of course, being the knight in shining armour I am, I jumped to the chance and immediately pulled Bella away from the lowly people of my class. Well, I shouldn't be disrespectful to them – they are my faithful followers, after all.

Well, I didn't pull. I swept her up into my arms and carried her out of the classroom, with the rest of them wishing they were Bella who had the wonderful opportunity to swoon in my arms. If she fainted I would've kissed her on the lips and then, due to my awesome saliva, she would wake up and then kiss me and then agree to marry me and then...

You get what I mean. But, sadly, she didn't faint. In fact she told me to let her sit down. Don't worry, I didn't understand either – who would want to sit on the edge of the walk when they would rest in my manly, strong, tendonly, bicepy arms?

She closed her eyes (and I didn't need to be a mind reader to know that she was thinking about the short period of time in my arms). Then she turned green. At first I was worried, but then I figured it was probably because Jessica was flirting with me. Again. So I was going to hug her and reassure her and then kiss her to make her feel better about Jessica flirting with me.

Oh, remind me to tell her one day, that it isn't my fault that every girl who sees me _has_ to flirt with me. It's not my fault I am the hottest, most handsomest guy in world. And they just happened to feast their eyes upon my body, without my permission.

But then stupid, ugly, Cullen came and ruined to moment. Ugh, I hate him! I hate him and his plastic face! And guess what? In a much less manly way than me, he picked her up and carried her, the rest of the way to the nurse's office!

It looked Bella hated those few minutes in his arm. I mean, who wouldn't? His arms have absolutely no manliness, strength, tendons or biceps! It would feel absolutely horrible after the few minutes in my own manly, strong, tendony and bicepy arms!

I tried to stop him – I didn't want Bella to puke. Because then I would have to comfort her and then take off my shirt to wipe her puke. Not that I'm afraid of taking of my shirt – I mean, I have a six pack! No, I was afraid that I'll never wash the puke of my designer shirt. Yes, I know that she and I would soon live together and it is in her rights to use her husband's shirt in whatever way she wants, but PUKE! PUKE! I cannot stand puke on my shirt!

But he told me to go away! I didn't want to leave Bella, but I didn't want to be around when she puked. I had to care for my shirt as well as for Bella.

I went back to class – not because Cullen was scary, but because of my shirt's sake! And for other people who needed my help to get to the nurse's office, like Lee. Aah, you people just can't do without the awesome Mike Newton for a minute, can you?

So I went back to the nurse's office, this time supporting Lee (I was just supporting him. No way am I letting _him_ get a ride in my manly, strong, tendonly, bicepy arms). When I got there I asked Bella about the beach trip while giving Cullen glares that make better men than wimps like him pee their pants.

And she said she was in. And she batted her eyelashes while saying that. That is a sign that she is completely and utterly in LOVE with me! Well, to be honest, who wouldn't?

I told her to meet us at my dad's store. Then she'll realise how awesome I am and how rich I will be when I take over my dad's business empire. By then, she would realise she is destined for me, not for that pansy Cullen. We will be the hottest, awesomest, bestest couple EVER!


	5. Cooler than Black

**A/N & Disclaimer at bottom on chapter**

Dear Diary,

Today was frickin' awesome! Let me describe to you how good it was from the very start.

We all met up, as planned, at my dad's wonderful shop (most likely the highest grossing in Forks). When Bella pulled up, she looked at me and her face lit up, like I was the most wonderful thing she ever saw. Well, that's probably true. I _am_ pretty wonderful. Very wonderful, actually.

Seeing how she was just _so_ desperate for me, I offered for her to ride shotgun in my sexy Suburban so we could hold hands and look like those romantic couples in those movies. Of course, I only watch those movies because my mum makes me. I am manly Mike – why would I watch chick flicks?

But no! Bella has to be all nice and offer to share her seat with Jessica! Damn Lee and his friends! As predicted, Jessica talked the whole way. I did not want to hear her voice. I know she's just flirting with me (like every other girl that ever met me and my manliness) but she was preventing me and Bella holding hands like those couples in those movies!

When we got there I asked Bella whether she had seen a driftwood fire before. I thought if she hasn't I could show how unafraid I was of the sparkly blue fire. It's so pretty...

She said she hadn't so I showed her how cool it was. Just like me. Ha! I used a metaphor! Just another piece of evidence of how smart I am!

I sat next to her on the log and was just about to tell her all about my heroic deeds, when Jessica decided to talk to me about the most ridiculous stuff, like the English project we were supposed to be doing! Who really cares about that?

But I couldn't really blame her - when you're standing in my awesomeness your mouth move on its own accord. Love at first sight does that to you. I could only blame my mother and father for creating me the way I am – the way that makes girls swoon at the sight of me.

Which is way more than what I could say for Cullen.

Talking about making pretty babies, have I told you about Bella and my plans of making the cutest little babies EVER? Other babies would just swoon at the sight of them or go green with jealousy. Like what happened with me.

After a while some of my followers and I decided to go to the rock pools. They were just so pretty... The pretty colours and the pretty fish. It's so pretty.

Bella decided to come along too. No big surprise. She probably wanted a steamy kiss session in the woods. Everyone wants to. But I wouldn't let her. Why would I act like I'm smitten with her? I am the manly Mike – I am not smitten with any girl!

So to avoid me rejecting her I led the party while she trailed at the back. Probably taking a chance to look at my butt. I know – it's so sexy... Who could resist such a sexy tush?

After a while of looking at the pretty fish with its pretty colours we decided to head back. I was going to stay at the back with Bella, but since she liked looking at my sexy tush, I had to stay in front. And when we got back, the rez kids were there. They looked kinda ripped. But I look ripper.

I went up to a shop in the village and when I got back Bella was gone! Immediately I thought that some of my less noble classmates kidnapped her away and she was shrieking my name and her love for me out to everyone and then she stabbed her captor and when she couldn't see me she stabbed herself in her heart because she thought I abandoned her...

But I will NEVER abandon her! I will climb the highest mountains for her, I will slay the scariest monsters for her, I will cross rivers of fire... No. That will ruin my designer shoes.

Turned out she was just with Jacob Black. Who thinks he's got a chance with her. Pfft. As if. Let's face it, I am cooler than Black.

On the way back she didn't sit next to me. Probably because she didn't want Jacob Black to combust with jealously. Well, he should've known not to flirt with Bella. It makes her nervous when I'm not around. I just have that effect on people. Because I'm Mike. And Mike = hot + cute + sexy.

**A/N To celebrate **_**Eclipse**_** coming out! I saw it today with my friends! Edward's hair wasn't as cool as **_**Twilight**_** but there were more funny lines in it! Cheers!**

**Sorry for not updating regularly!**


	6. Woes of being hot

Dear Diary,

On Saturday night I dreamed about Bella. We were running along a beach on our honeymoon. Cullen was standing on a boat jealous of me and my amazing shirtless-ness. I believe that this is a prediction of the future. Except I would have to choose a beach with loads and loads of people on it so I could run past them with Bella and laugh at their faces of jealousy.

But I couldn't blame them. Imagine someone with the most handsome face in America with the yummiest six-pack running past you with a totally hot babe. Anyone would be jealous. But don't worry, diary, I'll bring you along to the honeymoon. A diary is, like,the epitome of manliness.

How much do you think Bella missed me over the weekend? As much as I missed her? To be honest, I didn't miss her much – I was too busy flirting with all the girls that queue at my front door just to have a glimpse of me. Who would think of Bella when there a dozens of hot chicks waiting for me to flash them a smile? I don't even know why I'm letting Bella flirt with me. It's not like she's the hottest girl around...

Manly Mike could do so much better. Oh well, I'll just stay with her. She'll probably jump off a cliff or something if I break up with her and go to Italy or something. Maybe I really should go to Italy. Hot babes there...

Today was a warm day. Maybe it was in celebration of my hotness. But then wouldn't everyday have to be a heatwave? Hm...

Anyway today I wore my rugby shirt so she could see my bulging biceps. I worked out over the weekend, even though I didn't need too. My biceps are already the most attractive ones in the whole of America. Yes I admit that they are not the size of the biceps bodybuilders have but who needs watermelon-like biceps when you get nice sinewy, tendon-ly biceps that aren't too big. TAKE THAT EMMETT CULLEN!

But Cullen does have a pretty hot babe. Well, I bet you that he drugs Rosalie. I mean, she bloody slapped me when I asked her out! SLAPPED ME! My cheek was red for the rest of the day!

Anyway, back to the topic, when I met her outside of school (no, it wasn't a secret rendezvous, diary. Don't be naughty) she was totally staring at my hair, wishing she could run her fingers through it. I didn't know whether I should tell her to be more subtle...

To return the favour I took hold of a lock of her hair and told her that I didn't realise that it had red in it. Of course I realised it before! I didn't spend all my time in English staring at her for nothing! But she looked pleased and I knew that once I walked away she was going to cut that lock of hair out and place it in a special place where she could look wistfully at it every day.

Of course she got all embarrassed and fidgety – you know when girls get all nervous around guys they have crushes on? Yeah just like that. Well, she got nervous and started talking about her English essay on Shakespeare. BO-RING.

Me, being me, manly Mike, just asked her straight out in my super sexily seductive voice to dinner. But guess what? She decided to me all nice and told me that Jess liked me. As if I needed to be informed about that! She stares at me all day long – I'm pretty sure the only thing she does in English is mentally undress me. Like every other girl in class, of course. They're all dying to have a look at my six-pack. Maybe I should have taken my shirt off on the weekend. But then all the girls would've swooned and then I'd have to give them all mouth-to-mouth and then Bella wouldn't want to have a nice make-out session with me.

Oh, the woes of being hot.

Anyway since Bella wasn't available for dinner I asked Jessica to dinner. Maybe I could show her my yummy six-pack. Maybe she could tell Bella about it and then Bella would get jealous and then she'd come to me and grovel for a chance to see my yummy six-pack.

Ah, diary, I need to write a book. _The Woes of Being Hot and How to Overcome Them. _Of course no one will ever be as hot as me it will be a chance for the girls to look at something – because every book will most definitely come with a 2 metre long poster of shirtless me.

Ooh, what if Rosalie sees me in my shirtless glory and then comes to beg for my forgiveness? What would I do? Dump Bella for her? Or ignore her because she slapped me?

I don't think I should dump Bella. But Rosalie would look soo hot in a wedding dress.

Oh why was I born so hot with so many girls lusting for me?

**A/N Sorry about not updating. And sorry about the bad ending of this chapter. And has anyone seen **_**Vampires Suck**_**?**

**Sorry again for not updating!**


	7. I have such a cute evil laugh

Dear Diary,

OMG! Last night I was too tired – from doing too much bench press – to tell you this, but during my sweaty work-out sessions, Jessica phoned me and told me that last night she, Angela and Bella went to Port Angeles. When she told me that I was thought, "Why didn't Bella get me to protect her from all those evil people in Port Angeles with my machoness?" but I couldn't be stuffed to tell Jessica. I was angry that she interrupted my weight-lifting.

Anyway, she said that while she and Angela (have I told you about her? She's nice but a bit plain. And, like every other girl in this universe, she has a crush on me) was dress-shopping she went missing for a while. AND WHEN SHE CAME BACK SHE WAS WITH EDWARD CULLEN!

Yes, diary, I know. Edward Cullen is such a stalker. I wouldn't be surprised if he climbed into Bella's bedroom at night to stalk her. Can you imagine that? How stalk-ish is that? I mean, he's already such a freak. Especially when compared to me.

Then why did Bella get into the car with him? Well, she could have been threatened by him, but Jessica said she looked happy…

And this morning he drove her to school! I called her last night after my work-out but she REJECTED MY OFFER TO DRIVE HER SCHOOL! Can you believe that? She turned down a ride in a sexy Suburban with her sexy manly crush to ride in an ugly Volvo with an albino freak.

I knew she was regretting that decision so I tried to be nice to her in English. I asked her about the trip and she avoided answering my question. But it doesn't matter because I know the answer. Of course she had a bad time! Stuck with Cullen…

And then I asked her about Monday night. Did I tell you about Monday night? Ugh, absolutely horrible. Considering how I am Mike and Mike has gone out with, like, a million girls. Sure she had one sexy outfit on with a lovesick look on her face (like all girls when they're around me), but there was no _chemistry_. Unlike what Bella and I had between us. By sharing one look I knew that the fire between us was still burning.

Doesn't that sound poetic? Wow, so now I am a poet now. Take that, Cullen. I am good at everything. And he's only good at… Nothing, really.

Ooh, being the poet I am now, I feel a poem coming along…

_Edward Cullen fails at life._

_Edward Cullen cause some strife,_

_Between my true love and I - _

_He should go live in a sty._

Absolutely wonderful! I am so good at poetry! And bench pressing! And everything else! I SHALL DOMINATE THE WORLD!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I have such a cute evil laugh.

**A/N Enjoy? Hate? Tell me in a review! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or its characters, like Mike. And I don't own a Suburban or a Volvo. **

**P.S. I don't have anything against Volvos. In fact I quite like them.**


	8. Masculinity & machoness & Mikesomeness

Dear Diary,

OMG! You know what I told you this morning when I was pretending I was doing Algebra? About Edward Cullen _just_ stalking Bella? Yeah, well, scrap that. Edward Cullen must have used some kind of drugs or something, but THEY WERE SITTING TOGETHER AT LUNCH!

Yes you heard right. They were sitting together and they sat there for nearly all of lunch. I think he drugged her in the car. Yes, that's the only possible reason.

Oh, yuck, there's a dirty sock next to me. Why did I choose the change rooms, out of all places, to talk to you? Oh right – to escape my fans.

Now I wish I waited until I got into my sexy Suburban. It stinks in here. It smells like sweat. Yucky sweat, not manly sweat like mine. My sweat smells really good. It smells like... Mike. And anything that smells like Mike is good, right?

When I realised Bella was drugged I knew I had to save her, like those heroes in the films I watch – you know, 'Superman' and 'Superman 2' and 'Spider-man' and 'Spider-man 2' and 'Spider-man 3'. Of course, you can't really compare those caped idiots to Manly Mike, but I guess they're not that bad.

Instead of swooping in all dramatically with my skin-tight bodysuit that shows of my Manly Mikey Muscles, I decided to take a leaf out of James Bond's book and spy on them. I hid cleverly outside the cafeteria, waiting for them to come out while checking he wasn't taking her back to his lair or something.

This is off track, but I think Cullen makes the worst villain ever. What kind of villain is albino? The Albino Aardvark? And his hair! The Ginger Ghost? Honestly, has he EVER heard of Doc Ock?

Now, me, on the other hand is the perfect example of superheroes. I even have my own catchphrase – 'Manly Mike – _'Masculinity and machoness and Mikesome tendony biceps!'_' I'm actually really proud of that catchphrase. I had to read through the entire dictionary to find the word 'masculinity'. See, using a long word in one's catchphrase, gave the sense of intelligence. Of course, I am bursting with intelligence but the world doesn't know that – they only see my stunning beauty. Ah, the superficiality of the world.

So I was about to go in there and save Bella until I heard the scraping of the chairs. No need to applaud just yet – supersonic hearing is only natural for someone of Manly Mike's abilities.

What you need to applaud is the speed with which I ran from the cafeteria to the lab. *hair flick*

Aah, my famous hair flick. Girls faint with happiness when they see it. With a flick of my brilliant, golden hair they are suddenly enlightened. I have no idea why Jessica liked Cullen's hair last year. Maybe it was to make him feel good about himself. Because every boy needs an ego boost when the Mike is around.

Mr Banner decided to have a movie day today. Awesome! All during the movie I could feel Bella's lust for me. I'm actually surprised that she didn't jump into my lap during the session and passionately kiss me. Maybe she thought that other girls would be jealous of her and start crying.

How thoughtful of her.

I was enjoying being wanted by Bella (as usual) during that session and was quite disappointed when Mr Banner turned on the lights. But it didn't really matter because we had Gym next. Where I could show off my Manly Muscles without having to protect Bella from _him_ all the time. Of course, a man of my intelligence and ability could do both without breaking a sweat but I don't want to be too distracted from Bella. She might need me to kiss her at any moment.

So I stood up to get to Gym. And then Jessica came up to me and asked me for another date. Yeah, right. No way I'm going to spend time going on a date when I could be stalking getting close to my future children's mum.

Being fantastic, chivalrous man I am, I decided to team up with Bella. She told me it wasn't necessary for me to team up with her – that translates to 'Oh Mike, I'm delighted that you chose me to pair up with! We should start planning our wedding while playing badminton!'.

Of course, I shouldn't be so easy, so I stopped myself from thinking of the kind of flowers we should get on our wedding. But, Diary, just between you and me, do you think tulips or roses would be better for my wedding?

During the session Bella 'accidentally' clipped me on the shoulder. Honestly, Diary, don't tell her but I'm kind of getting annoyed at her damsel-in-distress act. My shoulder hurts – and when my shoulder hurts I can't do push ups! But when she falls into my arms and I look deeply into her eyes and then we dramatically kiss with music playing in the background it's all going to be worth it.

Plus if my biceps got any hotter people would just faint from the sight of it.

**A/N: Sorry I know I haven't update in ages! Sorry! One of my new year resolutions is to update more regularly! **

**Disclaimer: I'm not Stephenie Meyer. You probably figured that out by now. :D**


	9. The Rebellious Mike

Dear Diary,

You will never guess what I heard today! Bella's dad, who's the chief of police in Forks, told Eddie that he asked Bella to ask me to the dance! Eddie is one of the three cops here in Forks – and he happens to be a close family friend! He's really nice, he always gives me souvenirs from the station all the time! In fact, the pen I'm writing in you with is a police pen!

Wow, I feel like a rebel.

Rebel Mike. Mike the Rebellious. The Rebellious Mike. Mike the Rebel.

Anyway, do you know what this means? My future father-in-law approves!

But, as you know, Bella's away at Seattle. Doing whatever people do when they skip the Spring Dance to go to Seattle.

However, when Bella sees the photos of me at the dance (probably fending off my over-adoring fans with my awesome martial arts skills) she'll probably be so cry until her mascara runs off because she didn't see me in my sexy, stylish suit.

Because of this knowledge (sometimes I think I'm psychic) I wished Bella a good time in Seattle. See, my mother always raised me to be a gentleman. I think that's part of the allure that draws females of ages towards me.

Including Bella. Once, I heard her tell Angela that she liked men who were chivalrous. When I heard that it once again confirmed Bella's 'secret' undying love for me. Which is about as secret as the fact that Cullen is actually a werewolf bleached pale from running around in the moonlight too much.

But then she told me she CANCELLED THE TRIP. Except I'm still pretty sure she's going to Seattle because 'scared of my truck breaking down' is a pretty lame excuse. It is soo obvious she's going to buy a book of baby names for our babies.

Of course I wouldn't know about her truck because of how my sexy Suburban always runs perfectly. You should hear the engine.

In fact I'm going to take you out and place you on the top of the engine and then turn it on.

...

Did you hear that, diary? The sexy purr of my wonderful car. Only the best for the Mike.

After she told me she 'cancelled' the trip to Seattle I asked her if she was going to Cullen. I made sure I had a sulky look on my face so that I would seem like I'm jealous because I read somewhere that jealousy from their boyfriends always make girls go 'aw...'.

But, inside I was actually hoping for her to say she was actually coming. Because then she can see my rockin' dance moves and people can compare me to Cullen. And then tell her repeatedly that I am so much better for her.

And then she dashed all of my day dreams. She told me that she was doing laundry and then she was studying for Trig.

Yeah. Right. She was probably going to decide whether Louisa or Kylie was a better name for one of our little girls.

I thought it was a pretty boring day (plus, I've already planned all of our 7 babies' names) so I invited her to come to dance. And seem my smokin' bod in a tux.

I changed from being sulky to happy. Because being happy just makes girls irresistibly drawn to me. And I have an obligation to irresistible for her benefit.

So after Gym she blew me 6 kisses and then skipped away to her car.

Don't give me that look. She honestly did.

Really.

**A/N See? I actually updated within a month!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Twilight or that one line from 'Dear Dumb Diary'. :D**


	10. The lovedeprived

Dear Diary,

Tonight has just been –

Ew, what is that smell? Why do I have to go into the toilets to write in you?

Oh right. Because I had to save you from any possible attack from my legions of fan girls.

You know diary, sometimes being the hottest (and smartest) guy on the planet is really hard. Everywhere I go, girls pop up from everywhere – behind rubbish bins, on top of roofs, in the boot of my sexy Suburban, inside my locker, under my bed, hiding in change rooms. They are everywhere.

When I stepped out of my car, in my amazingly dashing suit, with Jessica on my arm, I bet you all my money that every girl in the vicinity wanted to murder Jessica.

In fact, I think every girl on the planet wants to murder her – especially Bella.

I can just imagine what Bella's thinking right now.

"_Oh why, oh why, did I turn down the chance to be with my darling Mike? He is taking Jessica now! What if he forgets all about me and goes to Jessica? Oh, there's a hole in my lung! Oh no! Oh, how I regret rejecting Mike!_"

She's probably hiding in her bed ashamed of how she was playing hard to get but went too far. But it's alright. I'll forgive her. Wouldn't want her being some social recluse, do I now?

I thought about it while I lifted 20kg barbells. Who in their right minds would do their laundry and study for Trig (albeit naming our future children while doing it) during the Spring Dance? Plus, Jessica told me that they didn't have a Trig test coming up soon. She was scared she wasn't good enough for the Mike Newton. I would have to comfort her tomorrow – especially when she sees the photos of me in my smexxy suit.

And when I moved on to 40kg barbells (those are so light, I could lift them with my pinky) I figured that Cullen might take this chance to act like that jealous guy in all those movies I see at the movies.

Not that I watch chick flicks. Nope, not at all.

Anyways, Cullen might convince Bella that I'm too popular and hot to ever care about her. And then Bella might start being depressed and start watching zombie movies with Cullen. And when someone watches depressing, gore-ific zombie movies, it means they are at their lowest point in life.

Because who in their right minds would watch some girl (no matter how hot she is) shoot a bullet straight into a zombie's head and have all his brains burst out?

Only the love-deprived.

So, to save Bella from having to puke her guts out from watching such horrific movies (as everybody does not have such a strong, manly stomach like me) I have thought up a plan. I declare my love for Bella on Monday in the cafeteria so no other guy can even _think_ about Bella and also let Bella swoon into my arms, which I'm sure she's thought about a lot of times.

But what if all the other girls faint of shock and depression?

Oh well. For the love of my life, I shall have to give up something. All's fair in love and war.

I mean, if I don't do it, Bella and my future children will never forgive us.

**A/N Woo! Three times in a month!**

**School just started this week! Now that I've got a schedule I can follow, unlike just lounging around like every other day in the holidays I think I can update more! And next chapter – Bella is in Phoenix! *gasp***

**And HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY EVERYBODY! Hope you have an AWESOME day! This is my present to you all, even if you're not in Australia!**

**Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, oi, oi, oi!**


	11. My awesome bedhair

Dear Diary,

Conner and Ben and Austin told me that Bella went to Phoenix. Right after this big fight with her dad. See, Austin lives just down the road from Bella (I see him all the time, especially on weeknights, when I walk past) and he heard this big slam and Bella's truck driving away late at night. Then Mr Marks went over to ask her dad what happened.

So at school, it immediately became to new topic. Because Cullen was gone as well. Therefore it was completely obvious that Bella was so depressed that she had this fight with her dad because she couldn't go the dance and then she left. But then Cullen abducted her and took her somewhere else because he was so jealous of me. Probably in a hotel room with only his freaky siblings for company. Poor Bella.

But Bella being Bella probably didn't put up a fight because she was so gentle and obviously saw Edward Cullen as some mentally disabled boy and so she just went with the plan. But can you imagine her pain, diary? Stuck in a dark hotel room with just a picture of me from her wallet to remind her of what was coming to rescue her, the damsel-in-distress.

Wow, that girl from 'My Sweet Sixteen' looks like Jessica. A lot like Jessica in fact. Same hair, same face. Probably the same amount of adoration for the Mikester – infinite amounts.

Oh right. Rescuing Bella. I could probably book an airline ticket now, and jump on the next plane to Phoenix (where Bella's dad said she'll be) and then go to her mum's house. Don't worry, diary, I know exactly where her mum lives. Piece of cake.

Talking about cake, do you think there's any of that excellent sponge cake I had for breakfast left in the fridge?

...

Yum. Best chocolate cake EVER.

Or I could just drive to Phoenix in my utterly sexy, fast Suburban? Maybe taking the plane would be better – I hear that you could watch all the latest chick flicks Bruce Willis movies on the plane. That's a good idea. I wouldn't get tired and get ugly circles under my eyes. Wonder if they have 'My Sweet Sixteen' on there?

But I might get bed hair. Actually that might be a good idea – Bella might see me and then she'll jump (in slow-motion) into my arms and run her fingers through my hair and then murmur against my cheek, "Mike I missed you so much. I love you... And your hair."

And then we could live happily ever after, admiring my hair and then having awesome kids with my awesome hair and Bella's personality.

Awesome. Think I might go rescue her now.

Right after this episode of 'My Sweet Sixteen' ends.

**A/N Okay, I know what I said. I'm sorry. But at least I took the time to update before camp right? Sorry guys!**

**Disclaimer: Yeah, I totally own Twilight. Because I'm weird and I decided to make a fanfic of my own story when I could make millions if I actually publish it.**


	12. Everyone wants a piece of this manliness

Dear Diary,

OMG, do you know what happened? So, I was, like, going to swing by Bella's house to pick her up for prom. Because you know, how she was all so depressed during the Spring Dance? I thought I might give her a chance.

But when I drove up in my sexy Suburban, Alice Cullen (who happens to be totally infatuated with me) appeared out of nowhere in this totally sexy dress.

And I'm thinking, "Woah. Bella's my date tonight. Alice, you shouldn't seduce me."

But then she was just like, "Mike, Bella went to the prom already."

I was angry because Bella just left without waiting for me to pick her up. And I had planned on being a gentleman and everything – opening the door, allowing her to touch my biceps, giving her some flowers, all that.

But then I realised that she probably left early to prepare something for me. Maybe a song. I have grown quite attached to that song... What was it called? Aah I know.

Toxic.

I'm probably poisoning her mind. That's what my fans say. They're like, "You're toxiiiiccccc.'

She could wear that adorable little skin-tight suit and prance around dancing... So hot.

But noo Alice just goes, "She left with Edward. Her date."

And I'm like, "Are you serious?"

Shocking right? What drug did they use? I bet you Bella is now so drugged she can't remember who she truly loves. Me. And now she would think that Edward is the one who saved her from so many things, like... that time... where I saved her...

Anyway, Alice told me to ring him and handed out her phone, but then she just took it back and said, "Sorry, Tyler's blocking up his phone now. You'll just have to call him later."

Who is she? A psychic?

It was actually really awkward, just standing there next to Bella's driveway, with Alice in that smashing black dress. Then her date and her siblings pulled up in this ugly car, that in no way can ever compare to my beautiful Suburban, and then whisk her away.

So now I'm stuck in this stupid cubicle where I can hear the loud music of the stupid prom coming in. Prom is so stupid; I don't even know why I wanted to go in the first place.

Like, the whole world is obsessed with prom and me, I have no idea why. Well, I know why people are obsessed with me, that's pretty obvious – I'm hot, sexy and I have smexxy guns, but prom? Why? And it's not like everyone even looks at anyone else when I walk in my totally sexy suit.

Every girl in the room was, like, totally drooling over my six-pack that she could see through my shirt (a very _firm _six-pack from all the bench pressing I do) and my biceps bulging at the arms of my manly tuxedo.

But Bella didn't even see!

She must've been so drugged.

I tried pulling her away from the Albino Aardvark but then Emmett gave me this look. I wasn't scared of it or anything. I just thought maybe I'll just let Cullen have the fun tonight...

I am NOT scared of Emmett Cullen's glare! Stop looking at me like that!

And I thought you were the only one who understood how I feel.

...

Aw, don't be angry. I still luv you. But I'm just thinking, Bella's actually really ugly. Why would Manly Mike want anything to do with her? Right?

...

OK I admit it! I'm totally in love with Bella! She belongs to me! We are destined to be!

But that Cullen drugged her and now... There's this hole in my chest. Every time I take a breath the hole opens a bit bigger. It pains me to think of her. Oh the pain...

I wish there was a manly werewolf to sweep me off my feet and snog me senseless...

Ahem. I mean I wish there was a sexy chick waiting for me to sweep her off _her_ feet and snog her senseless. Because, no offence or anything, but you suck at making out, Diary. I know you try your best, but you're just not as good as a yummy werewolf – I mean, chick – would be.

Wait, there is a yummy were – chick, waiting for me out there! The one starting with J! What's her name?

Jessica! That's right!

In fact I'll just go there and snog her senseless now! Take that Bella! When you get jealous and come crawling back for me, I don't even know if I'll take you back!

Because everyone wants a piece of this Mikey Manliness.

**A/N: That's it folks. That's the last chapter of this long journey. Thank you to all those who favourited, alerted and reviewed. And even those who just read it! I'm grateful to you all! And that's right you read right there ^, Manly Mike does have secret make out sessions with his diary. ;) **

**Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight Mike would get so much more book time...**

**I'll miss you guys!**


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